Maybe I have an advantage here since I cannot be treated medically (i.e. drugs)
One thing of note is that pharmaceutical money drives research, and of course that research is corrupted (not saying that is good or bad, but it is a fact), so that the pharmaceutical company can say "buy this pill, it does X and a PHD says so too!
As many PHDs have said, "if there were funding for psychotherapy research maybe we could find something that works." But the money is in the drugs.
Well, since even the PHD's don't have a clue what is going on with Bipolar folks anyway, (Ref: "Practice Guidelines for the Treatment of Patients with Bipolar Disorder", 2002, American Psychiatric Association), the nice thing with being Bipolar is the ability to research something for like.. 24 hours straight. Some docs have found success, (but can't really research due to limited or no funding), Psychotherapy treatment principles derived from the basic understanding of human behavior. Here are some topics to research (which are similar to another PHDs recommendation which is the top link to this blog):
Types of psychotherapy
Four specific types of psychotherapy have been studied by researchers. These approaches are particularly useful during acute depression and recovery:
Behavioral therapy focuses on behaviors that can increase or decrease stress and ways to increase pleasurable experiences that may help improve depressive symptoms.
Cognitive therapy focuses on identifying and changing the pessimistic thoughts and beliefs that can lead to depression.
Interpersonal therapy focuses on reducing the strain that a mood disorder may place on relationships.
Social rhythms therapy focuses on restoring and maintaining personal and social daily routines to stabilize body rhythms, especially the 24-hour sleep-wake cycle.
Source: Kahn DA, Ross R, Printz DJ, Sachs GS. Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A guide for patients and families. Postgrad Med Special Report. 2000(April):97-104.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Bipolar Disorder Self Psychotherapy results day 1
Well, to summarize more insight on what is goin on biochemically kinda helps. I really need to force/dark and put myself to sleep by 10 but that didn't work last night, (I am being audited by the IRS and had to get some things for 2003 together). Yeah I havent filed since 2001. Don't know why just haven't. The IRS lady I'm working with is pretty cool though. Of course I procrastinated and waited till the last minute.
ANY way still havent run yet (really need to) and I still feel like my soul is being sucked in the morning but today has been pretty ok, with the usualy mind hyperness, but at work we were moving into a new building so that allowed me to outwardly remain mellow, mindlessley moving boxes which allowed my mind to race along.
Just to give you an idea what goes through my head in 5 minutes: Planning a trip to the Game Design Conference, Outlining a presentation on Serious game development recent events in the military, a level concept for ArmA (a commercial computer game), a mod package for ArmA, a funding package for ArmA integration with Army simulation systems.. at least it all followed the same theme - no crazy theory development on gravity this time.
ANY way still havent run yet (really need to) and I still feel like my soul is being sucked in the morning but today has been pretty ok, with the usualy mind hyperness, but at work we were moving into a new building so that allowed me to outwardly remain mellow, mindlessley moving boxes which allowed my mind to race along.
Just to give you an idea what goes through my head in 5 minutes: Planning a trip to the Game Design Conference, Outlining a presentation on Serious game development recent events in the military, a level concept for ArmA (a commercial computer game), a mod package for ArmA, a funding package for ArmA integration with Army simulation systems.. at least it all followed the same theme - no crazy theory development on gravity this time.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Mixed State Bipolar Diagnosis and Self Behavioral/Cognative Therapy
From what I can tell, I'm in some type of mixed state and/or rapid cycling. Unfortunately the only way to figure it out is to do some techniques and see what works. Anti-depressants have not worked for me in the past. I'm also experienceing some type of weird rapid cycling with 24hr periods.
In the past I've tried anti-dpressant techniques, but those didnt work and what I found out is some of them actually mess up your head more if you are bipolar. So i'll try some Bipolar Self-therapy and see if that sticks to the wall.
Well, I assembled and am doing my self-therapy. Here's what I did:
- Forced myself to turn out the lights at 10pm. Turned off phones, everything. I'm gone from home during the week so that was nice - no distractors (not that my wife is a distractor but you know what I mean).
That actually worked too. I laid there thinking about all sorts of stuff but I zonked. I think in this state your brain tells you "im not tired, see ? I'm throwing 10,000 ideas at you at once and you need to do them now!" but you really are tired. Also, darkness triggers your "time clock" in your brain (the same thing lithium does) (ref. Jim Phelps M.D.) . When your time clock is messed up you have big problems. Mine is messed up.
I planned to do exercise this morning but couldn't... I woke up fine but did this thing that happens when I'm depressed - just sit there staring with my mind switching on. Then you get this weird feeling like your soul is getting sucked somewhere in the 4th dimension and are paralyzed....yet you are totally concious and thinking. You imagine yourself brushing your teeth, going on a nice run, showering, and going to work and you go through this a couple hundred times.
I remembered Bluish light helps trigger your time clock so I stared at the light peeking through my window and just stared at it for about 30 minutes. That helped. I actually got up the earliest all week (730). I didnt have time to exercise, though, and showered (the first time in 4 days) so that was a success.
On my way to work I took my meds (nicotine) and now I feel great. I think my body appreciates the rest (been going to sleep about 2-3am in the past week and getting up at 8). Ack for my behavioral therapy I planned this activity at 5pm so I gotta go. Doing this crap during the day screws up my work.
In the past I've tried anti-dpressant techniques, but those didnt work and what I found out is some of them actually mess up your head more if you are bipolar. So i'll try some Bipolar Self-therapy and see if that sticks to the wall.
Well, I assembled and am doing my self-therapy. Here's what I did:
- Forced myself to turn out the lights at 10pm. Turned off phones, everything. I'm gone from home during the week so that was nice - no distractors (not that my wife is a distractor but you know what I mean).
That actually worked too. I laid there thinking about all sorts of stuff but I zonked. I think in this state your brain tells you "im not tired, see ? I'm throwing 10,000 ideas at you at once and you need to do them now!" but you really are tired. Also, darkness triggers your "time clock" in your brain (the same thing lithium does) (ref. Jim Phelps M.D.) . When your time clock is messed up you have big problems. Mine is messed up.
I planned to do exercise this morning but couldn't... I woke up fine but did this thing that happens when I'm depressed - just sit there staring with my mind switching on. Then you get this weird feeling like your soul is getting sucked somewhere in the 4th dimension and are paralyzed....yet you are totally concious and thinking. You imagine yourself brushing your teeth, going on a nice run, showering, and going to work and you go through this a couple hundred times.
I remembered Bluish light helps trigger your time clock so I stared at the light peeking through my window and just stared at it for about 30 minutes. That helped. I actually got up the earliest all week (730). I didnt have time to exercise, though, and showered (the first time in 4 days) so that was a success.
On my way to work I took my meds (nicotine) and now I feel great. I think my body appreciates the rest (been going to sleep about 2-3am in the past week and getting up at 8). Ack for my behavioral therapy I planned this activity at 5pm so I gotta go. Doing this crap during the day screws up my work.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Solving the mental thing is required before stopping smoking
(summarizing the 10 gazillion things going thru my brain at the moment)
I'm know smoking pimps some brain reciever.. which is propbably due to my body's reaction to deal. Think of it as therapy. It is therapy that works, which is the best therapy.
Quitting smoking, however, would require me to substitute smoking therapy with something else. One solution is to "patch" it (heh) with more medication that fucks with more chemicals. I don't think that is a viable long-term solution.
If you know anything about Biochemistry (I don't but I slept at a Holiday inn Express last night).. well I do a little from college and computer games, Internet, etc. ANYWAY
Every PH. D on Earth has absolutely no fucking clue how all the genes and chemicals in the brain work in its totality. This is well documented. So, knowing that,
- Throwing more chemicals at a mental problem is like a balancing a seesaw by picking up and placing random weights blindfolded while on a merry-go-round in a hurricane. You are just never going to get it right. Take off the blindfold, stop the merry-go-round, pick up the see-saw and the bucket of weights and get your ass inside a bomb shelter.
- Complicating that is money. People like Money. There is a demand for the wonder pill... pop a pill and all your problems go away. The fact is 30% of placebos actually work, which means 30% of a drug company's profits come from people who don't even need the damn thing.
Anyway enough of the rant back to research. To sum it up,
Throwing more chemicals to fuck with chemicals AND
not knowing scientifically what will occur
is NOT science. It is gambling. Hell, it isnt even gambling.. we know more about roulette than we do brain biochemistry.
Short term fix (patch)? Sure. But we should look at mental illness as a 1st order effect to a problem. Adding a 2nd order effect (pills) just creates multiple 3rd order effects (and sometimes reduces a 1st order effect hopefully). But now you have 3rd order effects creating problems, etc etc.
I'm know smoking pimps some brain reciever.. which is propbably due to my body's reaction to deal. Think of it as therapy. It is therapy that works, which is the best therapy.
Quitting smoking, however, would require me to substitute smoking therapy with something else. One solution is to "patch" it (heh) with more medication that fucks with more chemicals. I don't think that is a viable long-term solution.
If you know anything about Biochemistry (I don't but I slept at a Holiday inn Express last night).. well I do a little from college and computer games, Internet, etc. ANYWAY
Every PH. D on Earth has absolutely no fucking clue how all the genes and chemicals in the brain work in its totality. This is well documented. So, knowing that,
- Throwing more chemicals at a mental problem is like a balancing a seesaw by picking up and placing random weights blindfolded while on a merry-go-round in a hurricane. You are just never going to get it right. Take off the blindfold, stop the merry-go-round, pick up the see-saw and the bucket of weights and get your ass inside a bomb shelter.
- Complicating that is money. People like Money. There is a demand for the wonder pill... pop a pill and all your problems go away. The fact is 30% of placebos actually work, which means 30% of a drug company's profits come from people who don't even need the damn thing.
Anyway enough of the rant back to research. To sum it up,
Throwing more chemicals to fuck with chemicals AND
not knowing scientifically what will occur
is NOT science. It is gambling. Hell, it isnt even gambling.. we know more about roulette than we do brain biochemistry.
Short term fix (patch)? Sure. But we should look at mental illness as a 1st order effect to a problem. Adding a 2nd order effect (pills) just creates multiple 3rd order effects (and sometimes reduces a 1st order effect hopefully). But now you have 3rd order effects creating problems, etc etc.
Lithium is the Anti-Light
Check this out if you are on Lithium, : http://www.psycheducation.org/mechanism/Clock.htm
One of my biggest challenges is insomnia. This week I've had about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I have to take a physical training (PT) test in two weeks and I won't be able to pass if this continues.
So, I'm working on a psychotherapy plan to fix this.
One of my biggest challenges is insomnia. This week I've had about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I have to take a physical training (PT) test in two weeks and I won't be able to pass if this continues.
So, I'm working on a psychotherapy plan to fix this.
Upswing - About 15 days to ignition
I've got to say reading blogs on BP really helps me identify what is goin on in my brain. I think for this next week or two I will try to harness and focus it on my work.
Unfortunatly I am zeroed in on researching vaious things on military and BP that I havent gotten much done today. So i will probably be here late. I cranked out a logistics plan for an upcoming military training exercise in two hours last week (something that typically takes a staff of 4 people to do in a week).
I'm not sure how long I will keep posting (before the next shiny thing gets my eye) so.. here it is!
leveraging a weakness into an advantage is a trait of a warrior
Unfortunatly I am zeroed in on researching vaious things on military and BP that I havent gotten much done today. So i will probably be here late. I cranked out a logistics plan for an upcoming military training exercise in two hours last week (something that typically takes a staff of 4 people to do in a week).
I'm not sure how long I will keep posting (before the next shiny thing gets my eye) so.. here it is!
leveraging a weakness into an advantage is a trait of a warrior
My Background
Most of these things get put in a little box in my brain. Once and a while it opens (sometimes not by me).
In the past my sis said I probably have depression. Now I think I might be Bipolar. I can't see a doc or get meds because I will be booted out of the Army, which I love, (and am pretty darn successful too)
Make a prognosis and Vote! It would really help me out. Here is what I have been up to for the past 33 years:
Preteen/Teen
Attempted suicide at age 8: How the fuck does this happen? I remember the moments like yesterday (I'm 34). I remember taking the light fuzzy blue bathrobe belt and tying a noose in the closet on the hanger rod. To this day I don't know why I did it.. just felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Ran away from home at 14.. for a day. No idea why. Just left for school and rode my bike to a neighboring village school (12 miles away). Didn't want to be recognized riding my bike so naturally I had to steal someone elses at the neighboring school's bike rack. Rode to my best friends house (in the country another 5 miles) and figured I'd wait till he came home. Forgot his mom didn't work and was there and had to split.. thru a swamp, had to ditch the bike since you can't ride a bike through a swamp. Their neighbor sees a kid running through his swamp at 2pm on a tuesday and sends his dogs. Now a wanted criminal I haul ass thru the swamp and then a river to ditch the dog's scent. Find some railroad tracks and start walking down them. I took a rest till nightfall - had to get some wheels. Walking down a country road I spotted a garage door open and grabbed a nice shiny new mountain bike. By this time it was about 10pm and then I just kinda snapped out of it, and started to leisurly ride home, confident I broke any trail with my sneaky tactics. A deputy sheriff finds me and after some short verbal judo I cave in and ask for a ride home. I go home to my loving fam - the episode was never uttered since.
Then till 18 I was unstoppabe. In 8th grade I dated a 16 year old girl who drove me... to middle school and taught me well.. lots of things. mvP on the hockey team, easily getting A's in trig, calculus, and AP biology, student govt VP, band (composed a drum cadence that the school still uses to this day) , awarded a Army College full ride Scholorship (ROTC), aced the ACT and got in to the only college I applied at (Big 10 Univ), harems of adoring (and some permiscuos) chicks..I never really studied - just went to class and finished homework in 15 minutes at lunch. Joined the Army at 17 in the reserves.
Got to college, went good for a year did decent the first year then before I knew it I just couldn't get out of bed anymore... which wasnt surprising since I would stay awake till 3am. By then I was required to do physical fitness for Army ROTC, and sometimes I would stay up all night because I knew if I slept I wouldn't wake up in time for 0630 training 5 days a week. Only to go to sleep and wake up at 4pm to sustain my growing unhealthy personal life (at one point I had sex with 3 different girls in one day), and maintaining multiple relationships. I went to the student clinic once and asked the doc to see if I had some veneral disease, as I was always tired all the time. He said I was fine (and I was in more ways than one), and brought up depression.
That kinda scared me, since my Dad's dad went nuts and abandoned his family, leaving him to grow up in an orphanage. Also, my sister was just admitted at that time to a inpatient nut house, (she still takes medication but isn't really - well its still a long story). I guess that was the first time I figured I had manic depression, or something crazy in the head. Unfortunately when you are an aspiring army officer in the middle of obtaining your secret security clearance ANY mention of mental illness, hospital visits, or medication and they_will_kick_your_ass_out. So treatment is out of the question.
The roaring 20's
I bottomed out my 4th (out of 5th) year when I was told I would not be able to be in the acive army since my grades were too low (but I was welcome in the National Guard). That year the Army double cut the number of officers brought in (which they are still short as of today because of that gross error in judgement). That was a pretty big blow to me. I mean you don't bust ass for 4 years for a part time job. So I went home, looked in my wall-length mirror and punched it, my fist going through the mirror/glass, and wall. I sat there in a weird kind of grim satisfaction as I sat there picking shards of glass and wood from my hand, which was twice the size of the other due to massive internal bleeding and cuts. Never wnet to the doctor. Just went to the grocery store and bought a big pathc-type band-ai and duct-taped it. (I had bit of glass popping out of my skin until the last one came out 6 years later). It was somewhat theraputic however, as after that I managed to go to more class and barely finish college.
So back on the upswing I gradutated college (engineering), did some mandatory army officer training with honors and was selected to go to an elite-type training course a few months after. I was all set and in the best shape of my life (had 10% body fat too). I had to go home, though for a couple months in between. it was January, dark and gloomy at home. I knew I needed to do training while at home but I just couldn't, and felt there was really no purpose to it. I slipped back into major depression, and couldn't pass all the physical events at the elite army school a couple months later and was sent packing.
Then I just zoned for about 6 months by my folks. I was in the National guard part time but still needed a full-time job. My mom said I should get a hobby to get out of the house, so what better hobby is there for a manic depressant than pistol shooting? If there was a time I contimplated serious suicide it was then. Every night I would load a magazine, open the action of the pistol, and lay it on a chair next to my bed. When I would wake up sometime in the afternoon, I would just lay there, gazing at the pistol, fantasizing loading it and which part of the body to aim it at for the least amount of mess. Then I would wonder what would happen next. My mom would freak out. My wonderful dad would most likely clean it up. I could see him scrubbing the walls and changing the carpet. They deserved better than that I figured. They would blame themselves for my failures. I couldn't do that to them.
Well, later that august I got a decent management job with good pay and a new steady 17 year old girlfriend (at 24) who I didn't cheat on much. Bought my first new car, snazzy threads and a nice a.p.t. For some reason I needed more money, though, and started going down the most darkest paths in my life.
A year after the next winter I figured a grand fail-proof scheme that I could easily make extra cash by spying on people's ATM transactions and get there PIN, then track them and grab their purse/wallet and cash in. Naturally I figured I could pull this off no problem. I wouldn't be ruining all the things I worked (and believed) in. I stake out ATMs at my old college but after some stares figure that's too obvious. I find a 3rd floor library window with perfect vantage to an ATM inside another building. With my small high-power binoculars I make it look like I am studying and eyeball a mark, and get his PIN. He walks towards the engineering building which I am familiar in and set off for pursuit, going over the multitude of attack combinations with the least amount of noise. He went in a door, then I slipped in (it's night time). for some reason he doubles back and I pratically bump right into him and stare right in his eyes. At that point I knew I could never commit any type of crime. He smiles, I smile and step out of the way and say "pardon me." I drove home (a 1.5 hour one way trip on a weeknight with wor in the morning mind you) crying the whole way home at this weird thing that had consumed me. It snapped me out of it though, thank God.
Then my sister told me of this "depression research" her shrink was conducting and signed me up for it. I figured it was OK, since it was research and not a "admission or treatment of mental disorders from a medical facility," so if it ever came up in the Army I could officially deny any claim to a mental disorder or treatment thereof. So they say yeah you have depression and give me some meds. In all honesty they didn't do jack crap for me except make me yawn alot and blink my eyes more than normal. I was feeling more normal anyway and just stopped going.
Back on the upswing, I got cocky after a year and a half and switched cities, girlfriends and jobs for more pay, and was making more bank than both my folks combined at 27, which I was proud of, and even lent money to my two sisters. For a hobby I got a RC airplane. Also, I was convinced on a new type of rotary engine that didnt use gas and built a (somewhat) functional prototype with "bristle block" toys, refrigerator magnets and a glue gun. You know I just read the former sentance and had to laugh, but I was dead serious on making that thing work.
Everything was fine even through the winter until summer when I just couldn't get to work anymore before noon. I was one of the first to get downsized, (to their credit they were very patient with me, plus I was doing more work on half-days than some people's whole days). I got a decent severance and was unemployed and alone, and fell back down. It was the late summer of 2001. I had a stalker internet chick that would always just show up (which I let in sometimes when i was in the mood), otherwise my days would consist of waking up at 3pm, play computer games and eat a frozen pizza. I didn't call anyone, didn't bathe, didn't clean - nothing. getting food and simply writing checks for bills became a burden. Smoking since age 16 started to catch up.
I constructed a neat high-voltage physics experiment on my kitchen table and planned on researching asymetrical capacitors. Started getting eviction notices. My kitchen was a biohazard area since I hadn't taken out the trash in 3 months. I left with pans and crap piled almost to the ceiling, simply surrendered my sec. deposit.
Got evicted from my swank a.p.t. and stayed by my (loving) folks with 5 dollars to my name. It was December of 2001. What little job prospects I had evaporated in post-Sept. 11. I finally broke down and applied for unemployment (which was tough for me at the time too proud I guess) in December so I could at least buy my immediate family something for Christmas, and luckily was extended due to Sept. 11. past July.
After I woke up about 8 months later I volunteered for a deployment for Operation Enduring Freedom. (One year Captain pay would get me back on my feet). One small thing, we planned to invade from Turkey which didn't happen so I spent the year training units in Ft. Bragg in the States.
Which wasn't a bad gig really (dissapointed I wasn't on the invasion). Not that I think invading a soverign nation is a good thing, but you have to understand combat experience is a good thing to have when you are an Infantry Officer. Anyway, it was nice being on active duty, and I got to meet a good college buddy who was also a commander at a large training exercise. He was bummed also he hadn't gone yet but we knew it was just a matter of time.
One thing I liked about doing Army stuff is that I rarely had trouble getting up typically at 0600 every day. Don't know why just was always that way, and had a pretty good year. I reverted back to my unhealthy personal ways, though, as my girlfriend (the 17 year old now 21) broke up with me upon my Army deployment... That hurt. And if you know Ft. Bragg, NC you know that (unbeknownst to me at the time - honest) 99% of the women at clubs, or on internet dating sites are married looking to score. Which at first I would just totally dump them once I found out.. but later in the year I just said f-it and boned anything halfways decent or better.
Went back home with a small nest egg, but still unemployed full-time. I did a few National Guard special projects which was nice but just short term. Then I met my future wife, sweety. Honestly I'd be dead now if it wasn't for her. I screwed up a couple times, but she always helped (and forgave.... I brought home something a little "extra" from Ft. Bragg that involved some anti-biotics and a q-tip from a doctor).
Then I get this crazy idea that I can be a successful real este agent with no book of business. (Which I had done some real estate appraisal and development so it wasnt too far fetched). My girlfriend didn't know I was crazy yet and totally supported me. It was very stressful (hi start up expenses) but I did ok, and we bought a condo together and that helped (me) alot. I did good off the bat, had a slump (due in a large part by this completely off-the wall confusing sales presentation I was doing - which my grilfriend gently corrected me.. she is and always will be better in sales than me). I was even asked to coach my nephew's rec footbal team which was something I always never had time before and had a blast (we came in first too!).
The 30's
And, although I was doing OK, I was still working twice as hard for half the money I was used to - but the following year my unit was alerted and deployed to Iraq this time. I figured if my girlfriend was still there when I came back I'd marry her and I did. Once nice thing too is as usual, for the 18 months I was gone, I didn't have any major "deals" in Iraq. This is probably due to being busy all the time. I had a combat mission, so I was doing that Army thing I've always dreamed about so I was livng the dream (and getting good tax-free pay too). Of course there were bad times and blah times. Actually I think (opinion) my ability I developed over the years from whatever mental thing I have to completely compartmentalize things that bother me helped me not go nuts or anything (I witnessed some but not lots of disturbing things). Knowing that busy soldiers are happy soldiers and training helps alot too. It's been about a year since I've been back and the second I breathed the U.S.A. the middle east is just like some weird dreamworld. Now it's kinda like jumping out of an airplane - was interesting the first time but now all you can think about is what could go wrong.
So yeah upswing time - buy a farmhouse on some acreage in your hometown, et married, do a complete renovation, the works. Tried also to start another real-estate type business but that fizzled somewhat.
Then, it was back to depression, but then offers from the National Guard to work in my state for a very nice sum of money.
Which brings us to today. I am basicaly working on a yearly contract (long commute but it more than pays) while still trying to do a home renovation. My swings seem to happen every three weeks which is kinda disturbing... I've researched starting another business (thanks to exhaustive research, though, the financials just wouldn't pan out)..... To computer game designer (not a whole lot of opportunity in my state but not unheard of since while at Ft. Bragg I "modded" a computer game and given design credits for a AAA computer military sim from a game developer), and of course going to graduate school in physics to unlock the mysteries of gravity...
In the past my sis said I probably have depression. Now I think I might be Bipolar. I can't see a doc or get meds because I will be booted out of the Army, which I love, (and am pretty darn successful too)
Make a prognosis and Vote! It would really help me out. Here is what I have been up to for the past 33 years:
Preteen/Teen
Attempted suicide at age 8: How the fuck does this happen? I remember the moments like yesterday (I'm 34). I remember taking the light fuzzy blue bathrobe belt and tying a noose in the closet on the hanger rod. To this day I don't know why I did it.. just felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Ran away from home at 14.. for a day. No idea why. Just left for school and rode my bike to a neighboring village school (12 miles away). Didn't want to be recognized riding my bike so naturally I had to steal someone elses at the neighboring school's bike rack. Rode to my best friends house (in the country another 5 miles) and figured I'd wait till he came home. Forgot his mom didn't work and was there and had to split.. thru a swamp, had to ditch the bike since you can't ride a bike through a swamp. Their neighbor sees a kid running through his swamp at 2pm on a tuesday and sends his dogs. Now a wanted criminal I haul ass thru the swamp and then a river to ditch the dog's scent. Find some railroad tracks and start walking down them. I took a rest till nightfall - had to get some wheels. Walking down a country road I spotted a garage door open and grabbed a nice shiny new mountain bike. By this time it was about 10pm and then I just kinda snapped out of it, and started to leisurly ride home, confident I broke any trail with my sneaky tactics. A deputy sheriff finds me and after some short verbal judo I cave in and ask for a ride home. I go home to my loving fam - the episode was never uttered since.
Then till 18 I was unstoppabe. In 8th grade I dated a 16 year old girl who drove me... to middle school and taught me well.. lots of things. mvP on the hockey team, easily getting A's in trig, calculus, and AP biology, student govt VP, band (composed a drum cadence that the school still uses to this day) , awarded a Army College full ride Scholorship (ROTC), aced the ACT and got in to the only college I applied at (Big 10 Univ), harems of adoring (and some permiscuos) chicks..I never really studied - just went to class and finished homework in 15 minutes at lunch. Joined the Army at 17 in the reserves.
Got to college, went good for a year did decent the first year then before I knew it I just couldn't get out of bed anymore... which wasnt surprising since I would stay awake till 3am. By then I was required to do physical fitness for Army ROTC, and sometimes I would stay up all night because I knew if I slept I wouldn't wake up in time for 0630 training 5 days a week. Only to go to sleep and wake up at 4pm to sustain my growing unhealthy personal life (at one point I had sex with 3 different girls in one day), and maintaining multiple relationships. I went to the student clinic once and asked the doc to see if I had some veneral disease, as I was always tired all the time. He said I was fine (and I was in more ways than one), and brought up depression.
That kinda scared me, since my Dad's dad went nuts and abandoned his family, leaving him to grow up in an orphanage. Also, my sister was just admitted at that time to a inpatient nut house, (she still takes medication but isn't really - well its still a long story). I guess that was the first time I figured I had manic depression, or something crazy in the head. Unfortunately when you are an aspiring army officer in the middle of obtaining your secret security clearance ANY mention of mental illness, hospital visits, or medication and they_will_kick_your_ass_out. So treatment is out of the question.
The roaring 20's
I bottomed out my 4th (out of 5th) year when I was told I would not be able to be in the acive army since my grades were too low (but I was welcome in the National Guard). That year the Army double cut the number of officers brought in (which they are still short as of today because of that gross error in judgement). That was a pretty big blow to me. I mean you don't bust ass for 4 years for a part time job. So I went home, looked in my wall-length mirror and punched it, my fist going through the mirror/glass, and wall. I sat there in a weird kind of grim satisfaction as I sat there picking shards of glass and wood from my hand, which was twice the size of the other due to massive internal bleeding and cuts. Never wnet to the doctor. Just went to the grocery store and bought a big pathc-type band-ai and duct-taped it. (I had bit of glass popping out of my skin until the last one came out 6 years later). It was somewhat theraputic however, as after that I managed to go to more class and barely finish college.
So back on the upswing I gradutated college (engineering), did some mandatory army officer training with honors and was selected to go to an elite-type training course a few months after. I was all set and in the best shape of my life (had 10% body fat too). I had to go home, though for a couple months in between. it was January, dark and gloomy at home. I knew I needed to do training while at home but I just couldn't, and felt there was really no purpose to it. I slipped back into major depression, and couldn't pass all the physical events at the elite army school a couple months later and was sent packing.
Then I just zoned for about 6 months by my folks. I was in the National guard part time but still needed a full-time job. My mom said I should get a hobby to get out of the house, so what better hobby is there for a manic depressant than pistol shooting? If there was a time I contimplated serious suicide it was then. Every night I would load a magazine, open the action of the pistol, and lay it on a chair next to my bed. When I would wake up sometime in the afternoon, I would just lay there, gazing at the pistol, fantasizing loading it and which part of the body to aim it at for the least amount of mess. Then I would wonder what would happen next. My mom would freak out. My wonderful dad would most likely clean it up. I could see him scrubbing the walls and changing the carpet. They deserved better than that I figured. They would blame themselves for my failures. I couldn't do that to them.
Well, later that august I got a decent management job with good pay and a new steady 17 year old girlfriend (at 24) who I didn't cheat on much. Bought my first new car, snazzy threads and a nice a.p.t. For some reason I needed more money, though, and started going down the most darkest paths in my life.
A year after the next winter I figured a grand fail-proof scheme that I could easily make extra cash by spying on people's ATM transactions and get there PIN, then track them and grab their purse/wallet and cash in. Naturally I figured I could pull this off no problem. I wouldn't be ruining all the things I worked (and believed) in. I stake out ATMs at my old college but after some stares figure that's too obvious. I find a 3rd floor library window with perfect vantage to an ATM inside another building. With my small high-power binoculars I make it look like I am studying and eyeball a mark, and get his PIN. He walks towards the engineering building which I am familiar in and set off for pursuit, going over the multitude of attack combinations with the least amount of noise. He went in a door, then I slipped in (it's night time). for some reason he doubles back and I pratically bump right into him and stare right in his eyes. At that point I knew I could never commit any type of crime. He smiles, I smile and step out of the way and say "pardon me." I drove home (a 1.5 hour one way trip on a weeknight with wor in the morning mind you) crying the whole way home at this weird thing that had consumed me. It snapped me out of it though, thank God.
Then my sister told me of this "depression research" her shrink was conducting and signed me up for it. I figured it was OK, since it was research and not a "admission or treatment of mental disorders from a medical facility," so if it ever came up in the Army I could officially deny any claim to a mental disorder or treatment thereof. So they say yeah you have depression and give me some meds. In all honesty they didn't do jack crap for me except make me yawn alot and blink my eyes more than normal. I was feeling more normal anyway and just stopped going.
Back on the upswing, I got cocky after a year and a half and switched cities, girlfriends and jobs for more pay, and was making more bank than both my folks combined at 27, which I was proud of, and even lent money to my two sisters. For a hobby I got a RC airplane. Also, I was convinced on a new type of rotary engine that didnt use gas and built a (somewhat) functional prototype with "bristle block" toys, refrigerator magnets and a glue gun. You know I just read the former sentance and had to laugh, but I was dead serious on making that thing work.
Everything was fine even through the winter until summer when I just couldn't get to work anymore before noon. I was one of the first to get downsized, (to their credit they were very patient with me, plus I was doing more work on half-days than some people's whole days). I got a decent severance and was unemployed and alone, and fell back down. It was the late summer of 2001. I had a stalker internet chick that would always just show up (which I let in sometimes when i was in the mood), otherwise my days would consist of waking up at 3pm, play computer games and eat a frozen pizza. I didn't call anyone, didn't bathe, didn't clean - nothing. getting food and simply writing checks for bills became a burden. Smoking since age 16 started to catch up.
I constructed a neat high-voltage physics experiment on my kitchen table and planned on researching asymetrical capacitors. Started getting eviction notices. My kitchen was a biohazard area since I hadn't taken out the trash in 3 months. I left with pans and crap piled almost to the ceiling, simply surrendered my sec. deposit.
Got evicted from my swank a.p.t. and stayed by my (loving) folks with 5 dollars to my name. It was December of 2001. What little job prospects I had evaporated in post-Sept. 11. I finally broke down and applied for unemployment (which was tough for me at the time too proud I guess) in December so I could at least buy my immediate family something for Christmas, and luckily was extended due to Sept. 11. past July.
After I woke up about 8 months later I volunteered for a deployment for Operation Enduring Freedom. (One year Captain pay would get me back on my feet). One small thing, we planned to invade from Turkey which didn't happen so I spent the year training units in Ft. Bragg in the States.
Which wasn't a bad gig really (dissapointed I wasn't on the invasion). Not that I think invading a soverign nation is a good thing, but you have to understand combat experience is a good thing to have when you are an Infantry Officer. Anyway, it was nice being on active duty, and I got to meet a good college buddy who was also a commander at a large training exercise. He was bummed also he hadn't gone yet but we knew it was just a matter of time.
One thing I liked about doing Army stuff is that I rarely had trouble getting up typically at 0600 every day. Don't know why just was always that way, and had a pretty good year. I reverted back to my unhealthy personal ways, though, as my girlfriend (the 17 year old now 21) broke up with me upon my Army deployment... That hurt. And if you know Ft. Bragg, NC you know that (unbeknownst to me at the time - honest) 99% of the women at clubs, or on internet dating sites are married looking to score. Which at first I would just totally dump them once I found out.. but later in the year I just said f-it and boned anything halfways decent or better.
Went back home with a small nest egg, but still unemployed full-time. I did a few National Guard special projects which was nice but just short term. Then I met my future wife, sweety. Honestly I'd be dead now if it wasn't for her. I screwed up a couple times, but she always helped (and forgave.... I brought home something a little "extra" from Ft. Bragg that involved some anti-biotics and a q-tip from a doctor).
Then I get this crazy idea that I can be a successful real este agent with no book of business. (Which I had done some real estate appraisal and development so it wasnt too far fetched). My girlfriend didn't know I was crazy yet and totally supported me. It was very stressful (hi start up expenses) but I did ok, and we bought a condo together and that helped (me) alot. I did good off the bat, had a slump (due in a large part by this completely off-the wall confusing sales presentation I was doing - which my grilfriend gently corrected me.. she is and always will be better in sales than me). I was even asked to coach my nephew's rec footbal team which was something I always never had time before and had a blast (we came in first too!).
The 30's
And, although I was doing OK, I was still working twice as hard for half the money I was used to - but the following year my unit was alerted and deployed to Iraq this time. I figured if my girlfriend was still there when I came back I'd marry her and I did. Once nice thing too is as usual, for the 18 months I was gone, I didn't have any major "deals" in Iraq. This is probably due to being busy all the time. I had a combat mission, so I was doing that Army thing I've always dreamed about so I was livng the dream (and getting good tax-free pay too). Of course there were bad times and blah times. Actually I think (opinion) my ability I developed over the years from whatever mental thing I have to completely compartmentalize things that bother me helped me not go nuts or anything (I witnessed some but not lots of disturbing things). Knowing that busy soldiers are happy soldiers and training helps alot too. It's been about a year since I've been back and the second I breathed the U.S.A. the middle east is just like some weird dreamworld. Now it's kinda like jumping out of an airplane - was interesting the first time but now all you can think about is what could go wrong.
So yeah upswing time - buy a farmhouse on some acreage in your hometown, et married, do a complete renovation, the works. Tried also to start another real-estate type business but that fizzled somewhat.
Then, it was back to depression, but then offers from the National Guard to work in my state for a very nice sum of money.
Which brings us to today. I am basicaly working on a yearly contract (long commute but it more than pays) while still trying to do a home renovation. My swings seem to happen every three weeks which is kinda disturbing... I've researched starting another business (thanks to exhaustive research, though, the financials just wouldn't pan out)..... To computer game designer (not a whole lot of opportunity in my state but not unheard of since while at Ft. Bragg I "modded" a computer game and given design credits for a AAA computer military sim from a game developer), and of course going to graduate school in physics to unlock the mysteries of gravity...
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